Drafts now published…

by buxllove

I drafted this a month ago today… I don’t know why I didn’t publish it.. I can only assume it’s because anger was bubbling under the surface and I didn’t wish to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I cared…  I failed soon after, pouring my heart out to him as I often did, it didn’t change anything, I should have kept my emotions locked away like I did this.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change…

Untitled – Drafted exactly a month ago.

I’ve been reflecting over the past four days. About my weekend.

Daddy’s silence has me thinking many things.
I understand how children feel when a parent absconds with no notice…
That feeling of longing
The feeling of shame
Guilt
Onus

Was I not good enough?
Did I cry too much?
Did I struggle too much?
Was I not presented well enough?
Was my conversation underwhelming and uninspiring?

I’m beginning to feel that is the case… I’m trying to keep all thoughts, feelings and theories at bay until I have spoken to daddy.
But what if I don’t get to speak to daddy? What if he’s gone?

It’s only been a few days I keep arguing with myself, but it’s so poorly timed.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve needed his words more than any other time, I need his feedback, validation and approval, otherwise I just think the worst.
That I disappointed him with my performance and now he is not interested in interacting with me.

I hope he is ok.
I’m pretty sure he is but I always have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe something has happened…
I doubt it but I won’t know until he confirms it.