It’s been a while since I wrote last.. I don’t even remember what my last post was about, my life hasn’t changed much so I can guess and therefore don’t really need to check.
So why am I here today? Like always, I have something to gripe about… I haven’t considered the structure of this post, i’m just writing as I feel.
What I wish to gripe about; Me. I’m utterly fed-up of myself and my antics and my incredible and undying inability to change.
In my head I have every intention to doing well, doing great in all areas of my life.. As most people do I assume. But when it comes down to it, I never hit the mark, and I’m tired of it.
Now you might say “well just change it then” and i wouldn’t blame you, because I’m the high horse type to spout that nonsense on a regular basis to others, but the truth is, it’s hard. Like, I would literally have to become a different person and I don’t know how to do that.
I feel trapped inside myself. Inside my bad habits, tapped inside this blue print which is just me.. and I want to escape from myself.
I had a pretty morbid thought this morning whilst brushing my teeth, that’s when I knew things had hit a new low, I don’t usually think about the things that I did, so that was a red flag… I’m not happy.
What am I not happy with? Who fucking knows, i’m just a miserable shit who is unhappy and clearly too lazy to do anything about it.
The motivation and effort to do anything is far from my reach and I just wanna sit in a corner and shut my eyes for days on end.
Last night I had what you would call a nightmare…ish.
I was a student at a school, it was like my first day of term and a lecturer gave me a note with a class room number on it, he then asked for it back and gave me a different note with a different number and told me to go there instead… I made my way to the class room, it was some distance away; the school grounds were quite large… I passed through the crowds and continued on my way to the class, eventually I came to part of the building which was empty and the lights were off, trusting the teacher I continued anyway, then I noticed I was being followed.. Followed by what I can only assume to be another student, He darted up the stairs behind me in the dimly lit hallway and tried to attack me.. Sexually assault me to be more specific. I don’t think he planned to rape me, but he was trying to cop a serious feel. The teacher had betrayed me, he had joined up with this student for whatever reason and led me into a trap..
I woke up and instead of feeling relief I felt disdain, disdain for being awake… I sighed and wondered what to do with my day.. What can I do that will make a difference? There’s probably a whole bunch of stuff but my frame of mind isn’t quite right so it’s hard to be positive..
I’m really fed up. and It seems so ungrateful because it’s not like my life, materialistically, is lacking; I have a home, I have a job, I have my partner.. I have all the basics that most people proclaim to want, but I.. Me.. i’m not happy. I’m dissatisfied. Bored. Fed up. Stuck.
It’s lazy of me to say, but I want some body to save me. Because saving myself seems near impossible.
Or perhaps I just feel this way because I’m due my period.
I’ll pin it on that and go look for breakfast…