Discovering, understanding, liberating, accepting and celebrating me.

I’m back.. And nothings changed :)

It’s been a while since I wrote last.. I don’t even remember what my last post was about, my life hasn’t changed much so I can guess and therefore don’t really need to check.

So why am I here today? Like always, I have something to gripe about… I haven’t considered the structure of this post, i’m just writing as I feel.

What I wish to gripe about; Me. I’m utterly fed-up of myself and my antics and my incredible and undying inability to change.

In my head I have every intention to doing well, doing great in all areas of my life.. As most people do I assume. But when it comes down to it, I never hit the mark, and I’m tired of it.

Now you might say “well just change it then” and i wouldn’t blame you, because I’m the high horse type to spout that nonsense on a regular basis to others, but the truth is, it’s hard. Like, I would literally have to become a different person and I don’t know how to do that.

I feel trapped inside myself. Inside my bad habits, tapped inside this blue print which is just me.. and I want to escape from myself.

I had a pretty morbid thought this morning whilst brushing my teeth, that’s when I knew things had hit a new low, I don’t usually think about the things that I did, so that was a red flag… I’m not happy.

What am I not happy with? Who fucking knows, i’m just a miserable shit who is unhappy and clearly too lazy to do anything about it.

The motivation and effort to do anything is far from my reach and I just  wanna sit in a corner and shut my eyes for days on end.


Last night I had what you would call a nightmare…ish.

I was a student at a school, it was like my first day of term and a lecturer gave me a note with a class room number on it, he then asked for it back and gave me a different note with a different number and told me to go there instead… I made my way to the class room, it was some distance away; the school grounds were quite large… I passed through the crowds and continued on my way to the class, eventually I came to part of the building which was empty and the lights were off, trusting the teacher I continued anyway, then I noticed I was being followed.. Followed by what I can only assume to be another student, He darted up the stairs behind me in the dimly lit hallway and tried to attack me.. Sexually assault me to be more specific. I don’t think he planned to rape me, but he was trying to cop a serious feel. The teacher had betrayed me, he had joined up with this student for whatever reason and led me into a trap..

I woke up and instead of feeling relief I felt disdain, disdain for being awake… I sighed and wondered what to do with my day.. What can I do that will make a difference? There’s probably a whole bunch of stuff but my frame of mind isn’t quite right so it’s hard to be positive..

I’m really fed up. and It seems so ungrateful because it’s not like my life, materialistically, is lacking; I have a home, I have a job, I have my partner.. I have all the basics that most people proclaim to want, but I.. Me.. i’m not happy. I’m dissatisfied. Bored. Fed up. Stuck.

It’s lazy of me to say, but I want some body to save me. Because saving myself seems near impossible.

Or perhaps I just feel this way because I’m due my period.

I’ll pin it on that and go look for breakfast…


There’s been something niggling in the back of my mind recently.. Moreso since that dream.

Closure, what is it really? Is it something that others can help you get? is it something that comes with time? does it even really exist?

What ever it is, where ever I can find it.. I need it. I’m tired now, tired of pop up thoughts, it feels like the biggest waste of energy. It’s become irritating now, angering almost.

How is it, almost a year on he still crosses my mind, almost daily? what is that all about..?

It’s frustrating  because I’ve but one person to talk to about this, and i’m sure they don’t really want to hear about it.

Its frustrating because I know my feelings are being wasted and not only are they being wasted, my time is being poorly spent.

I’m tired and truly annoyed.

I want to be done with him entirely. Entirely.

Thank goodness.

This is probably really insensitive and may make some folks feel slightly uncomfortable.. But it’s a thought I just had so I figured I’d share it.

It went something like this;

“Thank goodness the man who abused me (ughhh I had that admission) didn’t have a large dick”

Would it have made a difference?, I don’t know, but I’ve been with men with large members and men with not so large members and there’s definitely a difference when my body is willing and ready, so imagine if I wasn’t..

Thank goodness.

Hypersexuality vs Hyposensitivity

It’s been a while but i’m still around. 🙂

I haven’t had the urge to write despite there being much to write about… I suppose that’s because I’m not sure if it makes a difference, but today I’ll do it anyway.

What I’m going to talk about today is.. Hypersexuality sometimes referred to as Nymphomania.

In recent times a flood light has be shone on my relationship and it is now common knowledge that Mr O is plagued (for lack of a better word) with hypersexuality…

It seems I attract men with this condition.. The man who abused me definitely had it, Mr Aragorn most certainly suffers extremely with this condition, which is nice to know because his hurtful behaviour makes more sense, and now it cannot be ignored that Mr O experiences it and you know what.. I’m tired.

I have my own issues with sex and dealing with his also is tiring.

I don’t want to feel obligated to have sex with anyone, and whilst Mr O insists I don’t and shouldn’t sleep with him if I don’t want to, his long face after two days without intimacy is a little hard to ignore.

Sex, as it is in his, Mr Aragorns and the man who took advantage of me, is the plague of my life. It’s never in a place where it can just be a good thing between two people, it’s constantly tainted by the burdens of the people I partake in it with and I’ve noticed there’s always some sort of perversion involved and that perversion usually involves someone wanting to hurt me physically, wanting to take advantage or wanting to control me and to be honest.. I’m tired of it.

My body has become hyposensitive to sexual stimulus, almost nothing gets me aroused any more and if I do get aroused I’m either conflicted by the feeling or not satisfied by the sex and so it feels like a wasted effort and so naturally I become even more hyposensitive to stimulus because my body is like “What’s the point”.

I’m tired.

My Regrets as a 46-Year Old, and Advice to Others at a Crossroad – By John Jerryson

Kindness Blog

life passing byHi, my name’s John.

I’ve been lurking for a while, but I’ve finally made an account to post this. I need to get my life off my chest.

About me. I’m a 46 year old banker and I have been living my whole life the opposite of how I wanted. All my dreams, my passion, gone. In a steady 9-7 job. 6 days a week. For 26 years. I repeatedly chose the safe path for everything, which eventually changed who I was.

Today I found out my wife has been cheating on me for the last 10 years. My son feels nothing for me. I realised I missed my father’s funeral FOR NOTHING. I didn’t complete my novel, traveling the world, helping the homeless. All these things I thought I knew to be a certainty about myself when i was in my late teens and early twenties.

If my younger…

View original post 843 more words

All that Is missing…

It’s late… 

It’s hot… 

All thst is missing is the late night phone call with someone desirable.

New sexual partners, the impact of old ones, fear of STI/D’s, stimulus and giving up.

I haven’t written in a while.. Every time I come to do so, i’m too tired or I haven’t given my topic enough thought to write something substantial..Tonight is no different to be honest.. but I shall persevere.

Ok, what I want to talk about..New sexual partners, the impact of old ones, fear of STI/D’s, stimulus and giving up.

Tonight I went to see a guy I have been speaking to recently, I was apprehensive because he’d been getting on my nerves with his needy-ness in recent days.

Regardless I told myself to go, it was something I needed to do.. Since March I have been trying to find out whether I am physically or psychologically broken.. Turns out it is both and they are intrinsically linked..

Mediocre sex does not work for me, I require unorthodox stimulus to get me at the height of arousal. It’s sad, but I’ve learned that it is my truth. Seeing Mr O fuck Lady A, is a MASSIVE turn on, but that is not sustainable, because on occasion my heart wants to have an opinion on the matter… My mind knows what is necessary but my heart still has her qualms.

I am a voyeur. I think this is a natural progression from my body failing me, if I can’t experience the pleasure myself, and so I get it from watching him give it to her… It’s sad, but true. I’d  much rather feel it for myself. but as that is not an option I prefer to watch than partake and be disappointed.

Where was I? Ahhh yes this guy.

My mind was thinking many things.. Mainly.. What if he is diseased. A condom can only protect you from so much and so I will be making an appointment to go back to the clinic tomorrow. I had safe sex, but I am paranoid just the same. That is one thing that makes me think this sleeping with other people thing isn’t worth it.

About the sex itself.. Aside of the fact that my body doesn’t react much, he was ok, I wouldn’t go as far as to say good.. He has ZERO stamina… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG –STOP — PANT PANT PANT…Like seriously dude? get to the gym… I’ve have 5 hour sessions before.. we’ve only been at it for 10 minutes.. Then he kept going soft. and I take zero responsibility for that. I gave the head of my life.. for two reasons, it was easy to do so – it didn’t feel like effort.. i wasn’t in a real hurry to get back to the actual sex, so this was fine.. plus it felt like the safest activity as I demanded her wear protection the whole time. no way you can slip off a condom without me looking whilst i’m sucking your dick.

In my old age (24 haha) I have become very aware and conscious of the threat of catching something.

I didn’t like how he kissed.. He sucked, rather than kissed. I mean who does that? My mouth is not a dirty carpet, i don’t require anyone sucking things out of it..

All in all, the sex was fine, non-stimulating however.

on the way home I thought about Mr O and Mr Aragorn, how I was fortunate to encounter them both and to share experiences with them.

It started to wonder whether I had hyped Mr Aragorn up in my head.

Was the sex that great?…it couldn’t have been surely. I mean he isn’t the only man on the planet to give good sex.

Did the drama turn me on?.. It must have, because I haven’t had the physical reactions I had with him for anyone else, well my reactions for Mr O in recent times have been the same, but that’s with the influence of Lady A around.

I was and am comfortable with Mr O and Mr Aragorn.. although the latter is out of the picture now, sex with them never felt out of place. it felt natural straight away.

Anyway i am tired and my point is losing its potency so I will end this here and perhaps resume tomorrow.

Goodnight word press.



Having been speaking to a few people I have recognised a trend that I don’t like and won’t buy into.

If I ask to see your face that’s exactly what I want and that should be the end of the transaction… But these guys constantly insist..

“And you?”

“Can I see you pictures”

Now one might say it is reasonable for someone to want my picture in exchange but the first thing to note is, I am not reasonable… Plus! I didn’t ask anyone to send me a picture, but to simply show me a picture, changing their display picture would have sufficed.

This journey will not be a fair one for whomever I pull into my web. 

I care not for their feelings.

I have Mr O’s feelings to consider.. Everyone else can suck sweaty balls.

Good morning WordPress!

Best friend 

I am so fortunate that I get to spend my time with my best friend 😊 

What more could someone really ask for than to spend their days laughing, eating good food, sleeping & debating with their best friend??

Mr O is definitely my favourite person, regardless of any of our struggles.

Good morning WordPress.


Happy, happy,happy

Oh my goodness, I feel so giddy!!

This weekend was amazing.

I mean, on Friday night I cried all the way home from work and I mean all the way! But then I went to see daddy O and lady A was over and we had a really good weekend. 

We were having sex every other minute and great sex too! Lady A is so soft and squidgy, I see why men get excited. 

We cooked, went to the cinema, went to the park & played on the swings… It was just a really good weekend.

My body was responding to daddy O, while I’m still not relaxed enough for my body to feel each and every thrust I am relaxed enough for my lady to start throbbing and lubricating a lot when daddy O touches me or kisses me in any way.

Watching him sex lady A Is simply amazing. He works so hard and looks so good… Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

I gave him head on Saturday night when we were all too tired for the intense sex, I enjoyed every single moment…he was hard in my mouth and he rocked his hips slowly whilst I worked my way up and down his shaft.

It was great! 

I’m too excited to explain everything properly but this weekend was great and I really cannot wait to have daddy inside of me again.

I haven’t felt this calling for him for a long time and to have it back feels so good I want to cry.

On another note – my Ben-wa ball and healthy eating challenge are going really well! 

Win, win, win!!!!! 😁😁😁😁😁