Instant submission.

I’ve been researching the BDSM lifestyle and one thing that is particularly strange to me is how people get into relationships and automatically assume their position as the dom or sub, let me clarify.. I expect that one would know whether or not they are a sub or a dom but what I don’t get is how, particularly subs, just submit straight away..

To me submission is a gift, that is to be earned, so in my mind I would expect that the early stages of the relationship are very vanilla until such time that the sub feels their partner is worthy of their submission..

Maybe i’ve got it all wrong, but until I know someone well I doubt I’d feel 100% comfortable with them telling me what to do.

Saying that, I was very quickly besotted with Mr Aragon when I first met him, I think I would have submitted to him in a heart beat.

I dunno, i’m still learning how these things go (not that such matters apply to me as I intend to have my man back come April) but it strikes me as odd that subs, from what i’ve read, submit so quickly, so easily..

I feel that the contract between a sub and a dom is as sacred as, if not more so, than marriage (says alot about how I fe…lt about Mr Aragorn) and you wouldn’t marry someone within the first, say 3 months of meeting them, so why would you submit so quickly?

So much trust is required.. It just strikes me as odd.

Cravings..

*sigh* Tonight… another night, where my mind is wandering..

I’ve been thinking about submission and being a submissive.. I miss it. I miss having someone to submit to, receiving instructions, awaiting instructions.. I wish to get to a place with my man where I feel comfortable submitting, bearing all to him through submission. I need to get there with him because I think I need it, someone to work for, to impress, to serve, to satisfy.

When I think about submitting there are only two candidates that ever come to mind, and one of them is off the cards, so I have to make this thing with my man work…

I can’t imagine meeting some one new, starting all over again.. I’m still discovering myself, I don’t have the capacity to learn some one new also, and to get to a place of trust where I’d want to submit. *sigh*

I’m rambling.

Tonight, I’d just like to be told what to do.. Blindfolded.. Cuffed… Tortured and pleasured..

I need a daddy.. A daddy just for me.

I need that daddy to fill me up.. to squeeze on me and to hammer himself into me..

I just want to be lost in ecstasy… I crave the adrenaline rush..

I’m rambling…

I’m tired.

Early morning cogitation.

I don’t know what it was about him that made me so willing to submit.
It was probably his dictator, no shit taking attitude. He was always sure in his opinion, and always seemed sure about what he wanted and was clear of the particulars, I enjoyed that structure. He’d always been like that with me so It didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, not in the way it does with my man, who whilst has the ability (and naturally is so) to be extremely domineering and dominant never has with me before, so it’s just sort of weird… I’ve been broken badly as they would say, I am finding it hard to get my head around it.
In addition to that, our relationship does not make me want to jump his bones all day… Maybe that’s just how relationships are.. Exciting days here, mundane days there… Even still, on the exciting days I don’t yearn to be disciplined by him, not like I did with Mr Dominus (that’s what I shall address him has from now on).
I don’t know what it was about him.

I suppose I just need to get over myself and relax.

Drafts now published…

I drafted this a month ago today… I don’t know why I didn’t publish it.. I can only assume it’s because anger was bubbling under the surface and I didn’t wish to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I cared…  I failed soon after, pouring my heart out to him as I often did, it didn’t change anything, I should have kept my emotions locked away like I did this.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change…

Untitled – Drafted exactly a month ago.

I’ve been reflecting over the past four days. About my weekend.

Daddy’s silence has me thinking many things.
I understand how children feel when a parent absconds with no notice…
That feeling of longing
The feeling of shame
Guilt
Onus

Was I not good enough?
Did I cry too much?
Did I struggle too much?
Was I not presented well enough?
Was my conversation underwhelming and uninspiring?

I’m beginning to feel that is the case… I’m trying to keep all thoughts, feelings and theories at bay until I have spoken to daddy.
But what if I don’t get to speak to daddy? What if he’s gone?

It’s only been a few days I keep arguing with myself, but it’s so poorly timed.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve needed his words more than any other time, I need his feedback, validation and approval, otherwise I just think the worst.
That I disappointed him with my performance and now he is not interested in interacting with me.

I hope he is ok.
I’m pretty sure he is but I always have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe something has happened…
I doubt it but I won’t know until he confirms it.

Realising “daddy” is no hero.

It’s amazing what a weekend can do for you.

He has been gone for a week now, and guess what… I don’t care.
I don’t know what he’s doing… And I don’t care.
Lol
A week with no contact and I feel fine.. Good even.
That’s scary, is he losing his grip on me? It certainly feels like it.
I guess I’m tired of having to reinforce this image of him in my head… When it comes down to it he’s just a man. That likes to fuck. Fuck me. Sometimes, when he feels like it. Nothing more, nothing less and that’s ok, that’s his prerogative, he owes nothing more to me..
Nor do I to him.

Before I was overly concerned with writing something here and it coming back on me, you know, him proving that I am totally out of my mind and blowing things out of proportion but my gut is rarely wrong, and right now my gut is saying “whatever!”.. Like, who cares now anyway.
8 years of the run around… It’s boring now, especially in light of what I actually have at home.

In this day and age if you don’t hear from someone that you expect to, for a week, unless they are dead, in a coma or in jail they just don’t give a shit about speaking to you.

So “daddy” if you chose to make an appearance… Whatever.
And if you don’t.
Whatever.

Lol.

Good morning London.

I am falling in love….

….With the BDSM lifestyle.

65% of today I was focused on one thing. One aspect of my life.

The other day, after my episode with daddy I woke up with the intention of wearing jeans, pumps and knickers as a way of reclaiming some type of ownership of myself, I was hurting, feeling abandoned..But I couldn’t do it. So as daddy likes I wore a dress, patterned tights and I was panty-less.

My mind keeps rolling back to Sunday and for me it is bittersweet.

Hindsight is dangerous, hindsight can take the edge off, because I was in PAIN… but when I think back on it, I cannot bring back the sharp sensation received by the crack of his belt. I remember it hurt like hell! Definitely the most pain I’ve ever experienced but I cant recall the sensation, I can only relive the warmth of the golden showers he gave me, I can relive the pulling and pushing I felt inside when he wedged the dildo inside of me. I can relive the soft of his lips against mine, the look he gave me when he told me I looked beautiful.. Tears and I’m sure a runny nose, but he thought I looked beautiful.

I am falling in love with the lifestyle, but It keeps being reaffirmed to me, daddy will not suffice. Not because he isn’t what I want, but because he doesn’t have the capacity to give me all I need. Or more appropriately, he doesn’t want to.. He has too much to lose, and realistically, he’s pretty intense, I don’t know if I could handle him 24/7.

—

Over the past week I’ve found myself turning to my man, seeking from him what I need from my daddy..

Daddy’s cock feels better, tastes better, but my man will treat me like a precious stone, he will make time for me no matter what.

He will stick to his word.

He will collar me.

He will comfort me.

He will provide me with aftercare.

He will respond to my texts.

He will speak to me with dominance AND with love.

Maybe this is all good… Maybe daddy is just a tool to help fix my relationship with my man in a round about kind of way.

I’m feeling like in order to get the whole package, my best bet is to submit to my man. He deserves my submission.. I don’t think daddy does really.. He hasn’t done much to earn it but I wanted to give it. As a woman though, I must know my self worth, sub or no sub and I feel like with daddy I’m sometimes selling myself short for the momentary thrills and fantasies. I mean, today is my birthday and I haven’t heard a peep from him… What a way to make a sub feel special huh?

I love my daddy and I think he does love me, but we love differently and for the level of intensity my love is at for him, I don’t know if what he has to offer is enough.

I am falling in love with this lifestyle and with it I am falling harder for my daddy, my mind set is changing, more and more only wanting to please him…I have far to go, I still must learn to fully surrender in the bedroom, but generally I am ready, I don’t know if he is though.

My Vagina…

…Looks absolutely disgusting.

My body is undergoing restorative construction after this weekends activities.

I have felt that my love is sore and swollen, but today I decided to inspect her properly and I was horrified.

I squatted over a mirror and spread myself…

Ewwww. She looks like she was mangled by a bear.

There is a tear in the inner flesh and my opening is just…Open. Usually she is relatively small.. But you could easily fit a large Pritt stick tube up there with no obstruction..

My urethra looks like shes been knocked out of place.

She looks awful.

I feel so bad for her.

I will definitely be needing those Ben-wa balls this week…

And clench!

 

He didn’t catch me when I fell.

I am tired. So tired.
Tears keep coming to my eyes and keep holding them back. I am emotional..
I had a session with daddy, for me it was intense, my body was made to endure things and sensations it never before had…
The floggings hurt so much! I felt every lash to my core, it made me tremble, especially those to my shoulders and back.
I have massive bruise on my thigh… I was beaten and now I’m beat.

I am definitely experiencing a subdrop.
My emotions are out of whack and no matter how much I talk to myself, I can’t help but feel so sad.
I just want to cradle in the arms of my man… He would comfort me, daddy didn’t, daddy allowed me to lay at rest for a moment and then instructed I take a shower… I needed more than that. I needed him to hold me whilst I composed myself. I needed him to help ease me out, help me down from the high.. Instead I’ve hit the ground with a massive thud.

I’m sitting on this train and tears are streaming and I can’t hold them back.. I’ve been holding them back all morning.

I now understand why everyone goes on about the importance of “aftercare”.

Phone back on silent…

I tried to write happy blogs but I don’t write blogs with the intent to be fake or to talk about frivolities.
I come here to talk about how I’m feeling and today I’m wholly dissatisfied with daddy.

He has the worst habit of disappearing mid-conversation, we talk alot so I appreciate that he is making time for me around his other daily duties but just imagine being on the phone having a conversation, you’re going for it, you’re talking, he’s talking, you’re talking, he’s talking, you’re talking… You’re talking… You’re.
You’re pissed off now, why? Because this isn’t the first time it’s happened, it’s a habit and it’s one I can’t get used to.. It grinds my gears like no other …
With things like these I always think, there is one person that this person would not do that to, whether it’s a parent, a boss, a partner or a friend, there is always one person that this person knows they can’t get away with that bullshit with.
With daddy that person is not me.
I’ll always be there when he gets back right? So why bother notify me that he’ll be away for some time.
I make time for this man day and night, left and right, up and down.

Anyone who knows me knows I do not keep my phone on loud but for that man it’s always on loud and right by my side…
2 O’clock in the fucking morning that man can text me and I will respond. Only once has he been unable to get a hold of me and I rectified it straight away.
But with daddy that shitty habit persists.

Daddy does not miss me. Not how I miss him.

Im always open to feedback, ready to change my position, to accept that perhaps I am overreacting but today I don’t feel like I am.
I can only text or email him, I can’t call because I don’t know when she’s around plus hearing your call being sent to voicemail is torturing.
I can’t turn up at his house, that’s only ever been a luxury he’s been exposed to.
So I have to wait. Until king daddy makes time for his peasant slave.

He wants me to be 100% invested in him but he doesn’t understand what that means to me, I’m sure of that. Either he doesn’t know or refuses to acknowledge how easy I can make him my world, but there are bare necessities that must be adhered to in order for me to feel comfortable doing that.
Responding my my text because I’m not a fucking mind reader is one of them.
But apparently that is too much to ask.

I’ve checked my phone about 6 times
whilst writing this, hoping that he has contacted me, that way my discontent can subside for a moment and I don’t have to post this.

Part of me feels as though I shouldn’t because he will probably come back with a reasonable explanation as to why he went silent. But that’s not the point, the point is he shouldn’t do it in the first place. Unless he’s dead or in hospital there’s no excuse!
Him doing what he does is proof that he puts me In a special place in his mind, I don’t filter into his everyday life.
For example, if one of his kids were injured and he had to take them to hospital instead of excusing himself to the bathroom once he got there to give me a quick “can’t talk, back soon” he’d just wait the whole day, until his child was given the all clear then text me the next morning to send his apologies.
Now don’t get it mixed up, I do not expect him to put me before his children, but I expect the courteousness of a simple text to let me know he’s unable to speak.
We had a code. Red apple for “can’t talk” and green apple for “available” he doesn’t bother to use that anymore.

It’s so simple!!!! Just let me know what the hell is going on.
But I suppose as he’s put me in a box he doesn’t even think about it.

Well.. My phone is going on silent.
And I’m going to sulk.
I’m genuinely really upset.

My daddy has gone missing.

For the last 72-96 hours daddy has not been my daddy.

He’s been a father.

He’s been a partner.

He’s been a colleague

He’s been a trainer.

But he has not been my daddy and I don’t like it.

For the last 72-96 hours my daddy has been unable to make time for me.. and like a child I want to throw a tantrum.

I don’t wish to “box” daddy. But if I let out how I really feel I will go crazy.

I WANT MY DADDY!!!!!!!!! I WANT HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW!!

I want all.. every iota of his attention… grrrrrr my toes curl in frustration. WHERE IS HEEE!!!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?

UGH!!

Fuck it. I just wont think about him.

In a box you go daddy.

You have been “Compartmentalized”